Mention baby names at a party — and I do, frequently — and someone invariably brings up the name urban legends: the twins named Oranjello and Lemonjello, the baby girl called Female, pronounced fe-MAHL-ee.
We’re not sure those stories were ever true, but if you look at the very bottom of the Social Security baby name records, you can find plenty of other ill-advised names that people actually gave their babies, and really really shouldn’t have.
Top 10 Worst Baby Names Ever
10. Messiah. Yeah, that is a wee bit much to heap on a little one. Messiah. Just think about that. That would be a heavy, heavy cross to bear, pun absolutely intended.
9. Tragedy. It sounds cute, right? Say it out loud. Go ahead, I’ll wait. TRAJ-A-DEE. It flows, has a bit of a lilt to it, sounds girlie, but not too girlie. Yeah, not so much. Imagine the look on the poor little one’s face when she’s old enough to Google, cause no one under the age of 20 uses a dictionary anymore. Poor thing. Tragic, really.
8. Allergy. Again, this is a string of syllables that sort of roll easily off the tongue. Allergy sounds like it could be a name, say if you grew up speaking a different language and had no clue what its actual meaning was. The truth is, you know everyone who meets little Allergy would hate her. “That Allergy is a bitch,” they would say. Pass the Sudafed.
7. Failure. Wow. Talk about foreshadowing. This one is sort of along the same lines as Messiah — there is no way in freaking hell a person could ever fully live up to these names.
6. Kardashian. You know it’s only a matter of time before someone names their baby Kardashian, and I am pretty certain that somewhere out there is already a baby named Dash dressed in little Ed Hardy onesies. (Oh, damn. I just Googled that and see Ed Hardy onesies really exist. All apologies if you dress your baby in them. Your baby is beautiful and brilliant and not at all a douche-baby.)
5. Mediocre. So if naming your baby Messiah or Failure are too strong in the expectations department, perhaps you might opt for the safer Mediocre. This is a baby that will never rock the boat, never shine, never truly disappoint. And all of that is okay. Here, have a participation ribbon, Mediocre, now run along!
4. Peanut Butter; and 3. Jelly. Twins are not to be ignored in this list, nosiree! The worst baby names for twins would surely be Peanut Butter and Jelly. How sad it would be if one was always known as the sticky one and the other the sweet one. Too unfair for words. And come time for school, well there would always be a Peanut Butter free table and that is sure to mess with a kid’s head. PB and Jay is kind of cute, though. Ohmigod, I want twins just so I could name them PB and Jay.
2. Hitler. Don’t laugh, cause this totally happened. Ugh, nothing like naming your precious little one — and all little ones are precious — after the most polarizing, maniacal, hate monger of the 20th century. I’ve got nothing funny to say here. Just shaking my head and working to imagine a world without hate.
1. Thurgood Marshall. Okay, I already know that Imma get publicly flogged for writing about Ed Hardy onesies and douche-babies, so why stop there? Thurgood Marshall made this here list because ever since I have been with Mary Tyler Dad, he has talked about wanting to name our babies Thurgood Marshall. I have nothing but love, love, love for Justice Marshall, the first African American on the Supreme Court. Seriously, deep love and respect. But I suspect that Mary Tyler Dad is more than joking when he offers this name as a possibility. I think he truly wants a little Thurgood Marshall running around our home. If I gave even one tiny iota of consideration, Mary Tyler Dad would pounce, and there I would be, all, “Thurgood Marshall, eat your Cheerios.” “Thurgood Marshall, have you done your homework?” “No, Thurgood Marshall, we may not have chicken nuggets for breakfast today.” Who’s got time for all those extra syllables?